When I became a mother

Again, this can be very confusing because “Mothers become mothers when they find out they’re pregnant, but fathers become fathers when they hold their baby the first time.” When did I become a mother?

I didn’t become a mother by becoming pregnant. I have never been pregnant. I have tried to become pregnant – so many times that our family found ourselves in massive debt. Science is expensive.

If I get to start my journey wherever I want to (and I do because it’s my story) I would start my journey to motherhood when I was preparing to get married. In our marriage classes before our wedding, my spouse and I were asked about our plans for children. I said I had always envisioned myself as a mother and my spouse said the same. But how we imagined our lives wasn’t always the reality because my spouse and I are both women. So I asked her, “just because we both saw ourselves as mothers, does our marriage support this? Do we want to be mothers together?”

The group leader said that was a harsh question.

My soon-to-be-wife, Sara, and I discussed it later just us. Yes, we did want children. No, I didn’t care if I ever carried my own children or if we adopted or if we picked up our children from the moon. I wanted to be a mom with Sara – any way she desired. Sara wanted to experience pregnancy, so in the abstract, we had decided.

We also decided we wanted to wait several years before becoming parents so we could enjoy being just us as newlyweds. Who doesn’t love couple time?

Fast forward to turning 28 and that seemed like a perfect time to have children. Have the first kid by 28 and then the second by 30, and we’ll be all set with a perfect set. After all, when you have control over your reproduction, you have control over when you have children. There’s a great quote my father says, “when you want to make God laugh, you tell him your plans.”

I am going to skip the details for another post, if it is desired to hear my story in the specific. Instead I’ll say, with the help of science and tens of thousands of dollars spent over those first four years, we found ourselves 32 and childless. Every fairy tale of a baker and his wife longing for a child coming true in our minds. We then went on a year-long health spree to both lose over 80 lbs together, buying our first house, and we still didn’t have the courage to make another appointment with the fertility doctors.

At this point in the story, we’re 33 and in the best shape of our lives. We decide that maybe we need a little break to decide what we want. Do we want to adopt? Do we want to seek treatments again? Do we want children at this point?

So one summer Saturday morning, I suggest that we go look at dogs at some of the local shelters. That will lift our spirits to pet some pups. NO ADOPTING A DOG TODAY, I told my wife, DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ANY OF THEM BECAUSE WE ARE IN NO POSITION TO TAKE ON A DOG EMOTIONALLY. I don’t know what I was thinking because I fell in love with a dog and begged Sara to take her home.

I did that. I flip-flopped. But one look at Coda and you’ll understand!

So that is another story that I must relate eventually. How Coda the Wonderpup came to join our home. I have many stories. I will need to expand on these stories in later posts.

To continue: the story of Coda involves rehabilitating her from her past abuses, spending thousands of dollars in dog training, and loving the heck out of this grrrr so she knew she was part of our pack.

Then there’s Ellie. Ellie came into our lives precisely when she was meant to and as she was meant to. It isn’t a typical birth story, but it is hers and ours and our family’s. It will also need to wait for another day.

Published by @electrickduckdesigns

Eight days into motherhood, I needed a place to be myself again. Follow me as I grow into this new role.

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